Category Archives: Break The Mold

7 Simple & Effective Tools To Change Anything

7 Simple & Effective Tools To Change Anything

Barriers Down

Connecting Mind and Body

(Expand Out and Energy Ball)

Interesting Point Of View

Light and Heavy Tool

Access Bars

The Clearing Statement

Who Does This Belong To?

7 Simple & Effective Tools To Change Anything


Being You The Extended Adventure

In 2008 I reached my limit of playing by the rules of an overbearing authoritarian cultural / religious structure that I had tried to follow obediently my entire life.  For my whole life I had tried to be the good girl, and tried to get right…Instead, it had only made me increasingly depressed and angry.  I said, out loud, in that church’s testimony meeting, with every fiber of my being shaking and excited, “this is not working for me. This is killing me.  I am me.  I am going to go beyond these 4 walls to find out all about prosperity.  I know you can have a life of prosperity beyond these four walls!  I am going to go find out All about living beyond what these boundaries have defined ME and LIFE as being…  I don’t know what that means.  But I am starting … That’s all I have to say.  Thank you.”  Saying that in a testimony meeting in this religion had been virtually unheard of by anyone up to that point. Since then, vocal dissension by brave people is becoming a common occurrence.

For 3 years I plugged away at work as a nurse, and I felt a bit freer, having shed one cloak of ideology that was not working for me. 

But much more still was bubbling up to be alchemized.  I was looking for a good place to be as a nurse.  Instead, I found myself hopping from job to job, hoping that this would be ‘it.’ That somehow, things would work out.  I was judging myself as somehow wrong every time I left a job.  The pain of self judgment stings!

In 2011, I reached another point.  I was exhausted and depleted and disenfranchised with my work. Nurses bleed out in the profession.  They literally burnout and leave.  Half of them leave the profession within five years of becoming a nurse.  That is the kind of ‘health’ care of the current structure. So what did I do?  I quit my floor job.  I demanded that things change in my life.  I was pleading for something new to please find me.  Then I came across the work of Dr Dain Heer, co founder of Access Consciousness, and author of Being You, Changing The World.

Although I was in the best shape of my life, having just run a marathon, and a supposedly acceptable size 10, according to society’s standards,  I was miserable.  I was inflicting loads of self judgment.  I was torturing my body with extreme calorie counting and forceful obsessive exercise.  I listened to Dain on the radio while stretching, having just finished a run. I was so anxious for relief.  Dain had us do an exercise. He asked us to pick an area that we were upset with, an area we were in huge amounts of judgment with.  I thought to myself, “Ha! That’s Easy!  I have so many!”  I picked my body image.  He asked us to repeat several times with him out loud, “Interesting Point Of View I Have This Point Of View.”  That shifted things for me instantly, for the first time, ever.  Up to that point I was using every alternative modality and new age technique and teaching under the sun.  They would work for a little while before the emotional pain would creep back in.  I was just so-so in life.  So, I was still stuck in the pattern I had learned of trying to get it right, and be good.

I began utilizing the tools of Access Consciousness. As I have continued to do so, life has and continues to get easier and more joyful.  I have, in the area of prosperity particularly, already exceeded my wildest expectations for my life.  And I know it is just the tip of the iceberg.  For example, I now live in a 7 bedroom 5 bathroom house on 0.5 acres.  I have more space available to me.  I know what it is to receive, in a whole new way.  How did I get here?  By utilizing the tools of Access Consciousness!  Please get that Access Consciousness is not an answer.  It is not a community.  Rather, it is a set up tools, techniques, and processes designed to facilitate you to change whatever isn’t working for you.  These tools help you to have more ease and joy with whatever is going on in your life.  And to empower you to know that you know.  For some great tools, refer to my blog post “How To Change Anything – Four Tools To Get Unstuck Fast.

I am not going to say that because of Access Consciousness or Dr Dain Heer, I am healed.  I am not going to say that bells and choirs of “Ah!’ make up my current life.  Becoming more conscious is a journey, not a destination.  What I will say is that as I apply the tools to my life and living, I am aware I am much more me and much more free.  I am much more aware of my capacity to facilitate people around me to have greater choices, possibilities, as well as more ease, joy, & glory.  I know I have infinite choice and access to infinite possibilities.  I enjoy life more than ever before, and I have witnessed numerous miracles.  I look forward to the future with much optimism and know I create miracles!

There are no tricks to being you.  There are no secrets.  There are no steps.  The willingness to go beyond what is defined to a place of vulnerability and courage…That my friends is where the space of being you begins.

What if you could wake up every day again with a wild enthusiasm for being alive?

You are invited to a very special event.  Being You The Extended Adventure 1.5 Day Event is coming to Utah August 12&13th, 2016! This class has no prerequisites and every event is uniquely created by the people who choose to come. Together, we’ll go on a journey of creation…to a space that has never existed before. It’s one of the most undefined events of its kind, it’s only when you define something that you can limit it. Ever notice? Come here for more information.  Check out the facebook event page here.

These classes are facilitated by special Being You facilitators worldwide and can give you an energetic experience of being that you won’t find anywhere else…The fabulous Donnielle Carter is facilitating this class.  She is an author of Right Body For You, and an extraordinary facilitator.  My aunt had one bars session and read this book, and within a few months, had shed 4 clothing sizes!  It’s phenomenal to help you experience more joy and ease and being with your body.

One thing I know for sure, is that government will not change this world. Ideologies or belief systems of any kind will not change this world.  Those institutions and belief structures are designed to perpetuate themselves consistently, as well as maintain judgment and limitation.  When we buy into those paradigms as being the answer, we destroy possibilities for a sustainable future on this planet.  We destroy possibilities.  When we align and agree with maintaining judgment of any kind, we have no choice other then continue to kill each other and the planet.  Is that what you desire?

So, with that, take a breath.  Let Go.  Good.

Consciousness includes everything and judges nothing. . . .

Now.  Take another breath.  ….


Oneness includes everything and judges nothing. . . .

I ask you to drop your barriers and expand out.  Just Ask yourself to do so.  You know.  You always know.

Now, I have a question for you.

What if you being you is the gift, magic, and change this world requires?

and also,

Is now the time to be what and who you actually came here to be?

Welcome to Being You The Extended Adventure!

I invite you to check out Dain Heer’s special book Being You Changing The World. Would choosing to peruse or read that be light for you?  This is available in book form and also audio book.  For a FREE AUDIO of his first chapter, sign up here. Or, listen below.  Choices Gallore!

What can we contribute to consciousness today?  Cheers!  ~Victoria


A Day Of No Judgment – Excerpt from Being You Changing The World

Let’s say you’ve got people around you that are in huge amounts of judgment about the rightness or wrongness of some political philosophy. And you know you could judge it as right or wrong or you could just see it as someone’s interesting point of view….(Listen to the Video below for more)
A Day Without Judgment – Excerpt from the book Being You Changing The World.

Come be with us at Being You The Extended Adventure August 12 & 13 in Orem, Utah. Learn more and register here!
Come Be with us, we dare you!
Want more juicy gems? Acquire the book Being You Changing The World here

A Day Without Judgment


My Bad Dream About Heaven

I’ve been processing some entanglements with religion.  Yesterday It had been in the back of my mind, this intense energy of proving oneself as worthy and, having to strive to earn your place in heaven.  I am acutely aware of the millions of people around me that are meaningfully going through purgatory as a means to an end, that end being a righteous end in heaven.

That intensity of awareness starting increasing yesterday, as I am getting ready to attend an Access Consciousness Foundation class.  What I am aware of is that doing a laundry list of things in order to prove oneself as worthy is a lie that many people function from.  It is a lie that is constantly bought and sold to children in orthodox religions such as mormonism and catholicism.  I have been so busy with work that I haven’t sat with it enough to ask more questions about what to do with the intense awareness I am receiving.

Then last night I had a bad dream about it all that woke me up with a startle. In this dream I was in a lifetime where I gave up and gave over all my power over to some source and force outside myself.  I had been doing life and doing the things taught to me that I should do in order to earn my way into heaven.  When it was time to go to heaven, I didn’t desire to go.  But I was escorted away anyways.  I was uneasy as I was being flown to the gate with this tall, black, hooded figure. We were gliding along, easily. When we got to an entry point,  I was told what I needed to say and how to act.  Then I could sense the dark hooded figure communicating with entities beyond the entryway.  These entities were controlling the gateway.  They were not in view, yet I knew they were there.  There was some foreign sounding word I’ve never heard before.  It was dark all around me.  The entry way, or gate, was like this large black spinning ‘ceiling fan’ above my head.  Possibly some kind of dimension or gateway to another realm.  I knew that going up through there would be more like a prison then not, yet I couldn’t articulate it.  I just had this pit in my stomach and felt uneasy.  It wasn’t a joyful ocurence.  It was like a solemn procession.

black hooded figure

After we had been there a while, the gate wasn’t opening.  The communication was that I was not being allowed to enter.  They didn’t know what to do with me.

As all of this was taking place, I was aware that there was ‘family’, that came from out of town to be with each other as it related to me, for this occasion.  The family viewed the goings on as my ‘going to heaven’ time.  The awful thing about this family is that I had no idea who they were. They were these completely obese, lazy humans who were slow in affect.  I loathed them.

Then, I woke up.

What is heaven?

Many people are conditioned to believe that heaven is a place of rest from all the hard work and drudgery of your formal life.  All that work that you had to put in in order to be deemed worthy.  You are in heaven now.  You have been proven worthy.  There is no more working for your reward.  This place is filled with an eternal peace.  Nothing ever bad occurs in heaven, and nobody does anything wrong.

But there are conditions.  This power that judged you as good enough to get into heaven is outside yourself.  You assume this sources is greater than you.  This force outside of you, you have made greater than you.  Do you see?  Do you see how your choices are now narrowed down to standards that fit the right good perfect and correct mold of being with life eternal?  Do you have any control over this heaven?  Or is this heaven a concept that was invented, is perpetrated, and is maintained by the power that you gave to it and continue to give to it?  What if ‘heaven’ is another mechanism of control designed to limit you?  (Further, wouldn’t you become bored by being in the constraints of this so called heaven?  Wouldn’t you wish to grow, play, and have adventures?  The kind of adventures that go beyond a contrived heaven’s standards?)

There are many damaging effects in believing something or someone outside of yourself is greater than you and has the answers.  We are naively taught, when we are young, not to listen to the whispers of magic that surround us.  We loose track of our natural ability to communicate with and receive from planet Earth. It has been damaging to our relationship with the entity known as Earth for us to cut ourselves off from the very real contribution she can be to us.

Reclaiming Your Sovereignty

Over the last few years I have studied enough, asked enough questions, and had enough experiences to know that there is a tremendous amount that deception that the human species has bought into and has been functioning from.  If you would like to be free from the illusion and the false light matrix, I highly recommend beginning by watching movies like “The Matrix.” Then seek out highly skilled healers and modalities designed to facilitate your freedom.  The best set of techniques tools and processes I have come across to empower you is known as Access Consciousness.  Access Consciousness will assist you to change anything not working.  The foundational modality is known as Access Bars. Receiving an Access Bars session will destory limitations and free your body and energetic system; In essence, it will unplug you from the matrix.  The rest is up to you and what YOU choose.  Read essays, listen to radio shows, and watch videos by people such as Andrew Bartzis, Wes Penre, and Cameron Day.  These people provide information about how our species has been being duped and imprisoned in ways that go beyond just the physical earth – the physical earth is that which our five senses are attunded to; what we hear and see daily.  They have given me required information for my journey to be easier.  Especially useful is Andrew Bartzis revokations as well as Cameron Day’s advice about revokations.  The Access Consciousness clearing statement is also very useful to erase anywhere you hold a charge about anything in your body and mental / emotional system. Read more about the clearing statement in my blog 4 Tools To Get Unstuck Fast.

I invite you to get in touch with You again. The You that is Infinite Being.  One of the questions in Ten Keys To Total Freedom  by Gary Douglas, is “would an infinite being truly choose this?”  Ask this question when you are choosing something, such as work, a relationship, or a move to make.  If you are aware that choosing something will create more for you, choose it.  If you are aware that it will create a big pile of crap for you and your life, don’t choose it!  For more about Question as a tool to freedom, Read my blog 4 Tools To Get Unstuck Fast.

The Planet is teetering right now.  It’s future sustainability is in your hands.  It now is up to you, Dear One.  Be the magic you know is possible.  With each and every choice for life, it creates more for the possibilities of all of us.  All of us who care.  All of us who remember this planet as she once was and as the glory she Be.  The magic of what you have believed is heaven is already inside you, waiting for you to discover it.  Tap into the place of infinite possibilities.  What infinite potency of you have you not acknowledged, that is ready for you to claim, own and acknowledge it? What would the world be like if you chose that?

Blog:  My bad dream about heaven


The Easy Joyful Natural Birth Of Samantha Lynn -Or- How I Gave Birth with Ease

Easy Joyful Natural Birth of Samantha Lynn: Part I – My Pregnancy

I barely ever go to the Dr.  July of 2012, I went to my family Dr for a physical.  I requested a pregnancy test, just in case.  When the Dr came in with a big smile on his face, I knew I was pregnant. I told my husband I had news and handed him a Dr’s slip that same day.  It said “Congratulations. You are Pregnant.”  He was surprised and quickly accepted it.

I accepted that I was pregnant, although it had been 15 years since birthing my first daughter.  At age 21, I chose an OB Dr., induction, epidural, at the hospital, birthing on my back (the position least conducive to an easy birth), with immediate chord clamping and the OB Dr. performing an episiotomy without telling me first.  That’s what I knew.  There are more choices the more you educate yourself.  This time I was motivated to learn about natural childbirthing.

I began to seek resources to help myself be as physically and emotionally healthy as possible throughout pregnancy.  I was nervous about my ability to birth natural.  I wanted to learn all about natural birth.  When I was 8 weeks along. In my pursuit to have a natural birth, I interviewed Chris Miller, one of the midwives in our area.  She had a kind and pleasant demeanor and was polite and diplomatic upon first appearance.  The birth center which she’d just opened, a mile from our home, was cozy and home like.  I decided to go with her and continued my checkups regularly.

I checked out several books from the library and read voraciously the first few months of my pregnancy.  Books like Birthing Within, Birthing A Better Way, 12 secrets for natural childbirth, and Get Me Out: A history of childbirth from the garden of eden to the sperm bank left an impression on me.  I saw the documentaries “Business of Being Born” and “Pregnant in America,” which were eye opening.  There are some disturbing realities about America’s maternity care system and what is happening to women and babies. The USA is last of 42 industrialized countries in infant and maternal mortality.

18029_4783709281863_436437373_n I started going to “Powerful Birth Group,” a monthly educational / support group for pregnant women and mom’s with babies.  There I learned things about allowing labor to begin naturally, water birth, breastfeeding, and delayed chord clamping.  I looked into joining an online support group.  I checked out some online forums.  The one I choose was Barefoot Birthing Support Group on facebook.

In October, I saw a great possibility for birthing well with Hypnobabies, hypnosis for childbirth.  I had asked the other moms at Powerful Birth Group if they’d used hypnobabies and what they thought.  The two that had taken Hypnobabies heartily recommended it.  I, along with my husband Jay, chose to take Hypnobabies classes taught by hypnodoula Talya Matheson.  It was like taking a pregnancy and childbirth class with the additional element of learning hypnosis for childbirth.  The required commitments to listen to a different hypnosis CD daily and practice the techniques for a moment a few times a day required great expediency to achieve.  We were so proud of ourselves for accomplishing the practice throughout the 6 weeks of class, and then for 9 more weeks.  My husband even benefited, as he cleared some fears surrounding blood with the fear clearing CD, which was apparent during the birth.  He also amped up his ability to support me as he used the birth partner CD.

I was very blessed with a very healthy and active pregnancy.  I was well in body, mind, and spirit.  I walked, swam, and did yoga regularly.  I conscientiously ate well, juiced, and took raw vitamins and dha. I took the time to nurture and care for me via Access Bars® sessions, beginning October of 2012.  During an Access Bars® session, the pregnant client is positioned to lie back in an antigravity chair.  The practitioner gently touches points on the head.  Often times, during an Access Bars session, a cascade of positive energies is triggered, whilst simultaneously allowing for all negative energies to be dissipated, dissolved, and flushed out. Receiving an Access Bars® session allows you to experience more ease with whatever is going on in your life.  The deep relaxation that occurs for the client is worth its weigh in gold.

The last month, I slowed and tapered drastically my exercise, but still felt very comfortable moving in my own body.  I credit consistent yoga practice and regular Access Bars® sessions for a healthy body and mind.  N’eer did I have back pain or other complications.  I knew that at At age 36, I was in my sexual prime. If I had gone to an OB at age 36, they would have treated me a lot more cautiously.  At age 35, mainstream medicine classifies women as high risk.  With such a healthy physiology which I instinctively  knew I had,  I did not need people treating me different based on a number picked for all women.46301_10200155348277658_1583134930_n

Also, after studying the pros and cons, I chose not to get an ultrasound.  I did not have a flu shot as a pregnant women.  I chose not to have a insanely sugary and nasty glucose test that probably does more harm than good unless you have actual symptoms.  In lieu of this, I opted for to have my hgbA1C levels and blood glucose levels checked, and I watched for any out of the ordinary symptoms.*  *This info is for informational purposes only.  I personally studied extensively the evidence, information, and also included my intuition before making choices fitting my situation as I outline above.  Please study your medical choices and choose for yourself based on your own body and situation.

Lastly, we kept the gender a surprise.  I had a dream that I associated as meaning my baby was a boy early on.  Later in my pregnancy, I pulled the “your daughter” angel card.  I felt strongly since then it was a girl.

Easy Joyful Natural Birth of Samantha Lynn: Part II – Birthing time begins

I awoke early Sunday morning, March 3, having only slept 5 hr 30 min.  I felt really good.  (I’ve been that way a lot lately, after years of 8 hour patterns).  I decided to organize my bookmarks.  2 hours later, I was almost done.  I lost one of my folders entitled “social media” in the shuffle.  Instead of searching for each site again individually, I asked my tech husband to see what he could do to recover the folder.  It ended up that 90% of the work I did vanished.  I had a melt down where I turn into a hysterical whiner.  ”Ahhhh!  I have to do this all over again!”  Since I knew what to do, I got most of it done in another half an hour.  After that, I decided to organize other aspects of my Mac’s existence as well, for the next 4 hours.  I never do that.  Since I rarely, if ever, organize my computer, I told myself, “This must be my version of nesting.”  I hadn’t done much of any nesting up until now.  I also dusted for an hour when my husband had attempted to recover my file.  I hadn’t dusted in as long as I can remember.  Yeah, I was nesting.  That afternoon, I remember seeing ‘bloody show’ also.

Later on I was exhausted from lack of sleep and stress about the online tornado that wrecked havoc to my organizing prowess.  So about 8 o’clock that night, I invited my husband to come on a walk with me and the dog.  We took our dog Pickles out around the 1 mile neighborhood loop.  That loop was about all I could do the last few weeks.  When we got near our house, I told Jay, “One more loop, I am beginning to feel emotionally more even keel again.”  We dropped the dog off home and kept going.  I had begun to feel practice contractions.  I paid little attention, as walking is when I normally had my practice contractions.  With these though, I wondered “Do I have gas?”  The sensation was longer and closer together, so we started to time them.  I was able to walk through all of them, although with a couple, I walked slower.  We arrived home, and I was proud of myself for the 2 mile walk I just did.  The contractions, or gas (lol), went away after the walk.

About 10 o’clock, I decided to turn on my easy yoga video to create that much more peace of mind and relaxation of body and spirit.  Shortly before 11pm, I offered to give my 15 yr old daughter an Access Bars® session.  I had a goal to give her a session before the baby was born, because she hadn’t had one since the summer and we both thought that would create more ease and peace for her.  Upon asking if she would like a session, she willingly climbed on the massage table and I sat in a chair behind her head.    After performing the initial energy pulls, I had the pressure sensations that I wasn’t sure were gas or not.  My daughter began timing these sensations with a contraction timer app on the iPhone.  They were every 4 and a half minutes, lasting 43 seconds each, all through the 70 minute session.  They were only slightly uncomfortable and hardly noticeable.  We turned on my birthing music compilation and enjoyed the rest of the session.

My husband, who looked completely sleepy, was about to go to bed during the session.  I said, “you might want to stay up since these are so consistent, just to time a few more afterwards and see what happens.”  He really did not wish to be bothered.  That didn’t sit well with me, although I didn’t express that sentiment.  I thought he would be excited that something may finally be happening.  It was the end of our Estimated Guess date period, the last day to be exact.  The 40 week guess window was February 26-March 4.  It was now March 4.  Earlier a couple of weeks ago, he had talked about how excited he would be, even if it were the middle of the night, he wouldn’t sleep when things began occurring.  I didn’t care either way.  My point of view is let the birth partner sleep in early labor.  I really would have let him sleep if I knew this was completely under control, but I really wanted him there!

When I voiced my concern, he agreed to stay up to time a few contractions, to see if they would become even stronger and closer together.  I leaned on the birth ball over the bed while he lay on the bed timing them. At 12:30, they were a bit stronger, every 4 and a half minutes at 45 seconds each.  Because my first child’s birth had been induced using pitocin, with the epidural coming after a handful of intense waves,  I had nothing to compare these too. We decided to text my sisters, a couple of girlfriends, the midwife, and doula, just to give them a heads up that I was having pressure sensations unlike anything I’d yet experienced.  My doula texted back to try to get some sleep if I could because she said I would need my energy later.  I decided that was a good idea.  I wanted to sleep, but  I was too excited.  At one point I was shivering with excitement.  I put on some frankincense oil, which I learned from Essential Survival pregnancy e-book, calms anxiety.  I took a warm shower.  I inhaled Young Living’s Peace & Calming oil before my shower.  Then I added a few drops of Lavender oil into the shower before climbing in, while my hubby timed contractions on the toilet seat.  I got back on the birth ball to relax, and my husband lay on the bed facing me.  My 15 yr old daughter got out the air mattress next to camp out next to our bed.  We all hoped that this was it.  She was excited and hopeful this was it.  We turned on the Early Birthing Time hypnobabies CD track.  I began to need my partner’s verbal and touch support during waves, as we’d practiced with Hypnobabies.

By 2am, the pressure waves were a bit stronger, lasting 53 sec, every 4 min.  I felt a bit like I had to have a bowel movement with each birthing wave.  I decided it best to call our midwife Chris.  She said to come on in to the birth center.  We got our birthing bags, pillows, and baby car seat to the car.  Jay stopped at WalMart to get a veggie and fruit tray for the staff, while my daughter and I waited in the vehicle.  My birthing music playlist was playing.  I had begun using my hypnobabies tools of “Peace” and light switch to handle to birthing sensations.  We drove the 1.5 miles to the birth center, while one of my favorite birthing songs played:  Siulil a Run by Celtic Woman.  That made me so happy hearing it.  We got to the birth center and there were 2 flights of stairs to climb.  I began a birthing wave just as a started up the stairs.  I focused and climbed the stairs fast.  It wasn’t easy but I DSCF4935wasn’t about to stop, either!  The midwife apprentice met us at the top of the stairs in the birthing suite.  She  took my vitals and checked baby’s heart rate while I rested through waves on the couch.  My daughter found a cozy chair to nap in for a half hour.

I was excited and walked around looking at my environment.  I sat on my birth ball leaning over pillows on the bed as my husband lovingly assisted me through waves as I cued the beginning of waves.

A good thing about this birthing center is that we let things unfold naturally.  Although the midwife apprentice offered to check to see how far dilated I was when we arrived, I declined.  I trusted my own body and didn’t want the mind interfering or interjecting meaning behind the work my body intrinsically knew how to do.  (I put little importance into how dilated the cervix is, this method is over relied in, in my opinion).  I put my lotus oil from Vibes Up on.  This oil is rare and functions as an opener, on all levels.  I put out my altar items on the nightstand by the bed.  First was my statue of the Goddess Kali, the great giver, protector, and destroyer of life.  Second was my lotus oil from Vibes Up.  Third was a purple picture of the flower of life.  Lastly was my my 2011 Ogden Marathon Race Medal.

My midwife Chris walked in around 3am and without hesitating came straight towards me and gave me a BIG HUG.  I just melted in love and knew I was in good hands.  She has always made me feel completely loved and safe.  I told her how I was doing.  I told her I was still experiencing pressure that felt slightly like I needed to have a BM. (That’s not technically supposed to happen, I thought, til pushing.  These were mild though. I knew from my research that a very powerful urge like that can occur when you start the pushing phase).

Around 3am the waves were coming closer and longer.  I remember thinking and using the affirmation “MY BODY IS STRONG!  AND CAPABLE.”  which was also posted on the wall as a reminder in our the body’s ability to birth. I knew I was in active labor, without actually having this thought.  It is only now that I think about it I make that connection.

We had stopped timing contractions since leaving home, but I knew it was time to alert our doula around 3:30am.  I had asked for the water in the pool to be drawn about the same time we alerted our doula Talya to come in.  Talya arrived about 4am.   My husband left to the kitchen to take a snack break and Talya andiDSCF4941 - Version 2the midwife apprentice stayed and rubbed my back and pushed on my knees as I sat on the bed for a couple of intense waves.  My doula was very good at calmly scripting as I cued her as to when other waves began.  I really don’t remember much…things were focused.

“I’m ready” by Imani Uzuri came on when my husband came back and I could no longer sit.  I knew I wouldn’t be comfortable lying on the bed either.   So we stood.  I would lean into my husband during waves and my doula would rub my back and shoulders and script softly into my ear to enhance the relaxation response.   I also remember looking at the beautiful pictures on the wall of the hands touching (and also of one of the newborns) as an inspiration and a focusing agent.


I enjoyed hearing the music and that was one of my key supports.  It was like the music was it’s own entity, supporting me throughout the entire birthing process.  Music by Anton Mizerak, Enya, and Karunesh, among others, were featured on my playlist.  Without fail, the perfect songs would come on just when I needed them.  The only song that bugged me and was too manic was Calypso, by John Denver.  I had my husband skip that one.

After a few birth waves of standing up and leaning into my husband against standing up, I declared that I would like to labor in the birthing pool.  The midwives assisted me into the 101 degree water.  It felt great. I welcomed the submersion into water that I’d so missed during pregnancy.  Then I had a break from birthing waves.  I did not have a pressure wave for a twice as long as had been occurring, which was nice.  When they began again, I cued my team by saying  ”Release” so Talya could gently guide me and Jay could also support me with touch as learned in hypnobabies class. IMG_4540There came a time when I told him, “that is too much pressure,” as his hands were being extra strong in an effort to help.  I asked for only mild gentle touching.  My husband says I would say “that was quite the peak” after a wave would subside, and that this went on for several waves.  He said there came a point where that stopped altogether, and I really liked to just rest and get a sip of water in between waves.  This was what is referred to as tranformation in hypnobabies terminology.  I remember asking my doula to help remind me to breathe deeply, as I was getting to a point where it would be really easy to hold my breath, tense up, and resist the waves.  DSCF4957 - Version 2About this time I requested lavender oil to help me relax also.  The doula soaked a cloth with some and would place it near my nose.  Also, a cold, wet cloth was placed on my forehead, which was refreshing.  I attempted a couple of position changes, leaning over the tub, stomach facing the water.  Once with Jay, and later once with Talya, I would gaze at them and they would lovingly affirm me, but I found that position was not at all comfortable.  The most relaxing position for me was on my back, stomach facing up.  IMG_4621I asked for the pool to be cooled down and I looked at myself in the mirror.  I got nauseous a couple of times during birthing waves, only.  I requested my altar items to be set on the wall board to gaze at, which the team immediately did.  I remember asking Jay at one point to get in his swim trunks, in case I invited him in the water.

And then it happened.  I gave a primal half-grunt, as a surge with the urge to push rushed through me. This one quickly came and went though, as if to signal me that it was time.  I moved to my final birthing position, facing out towards the room.  *One thing I will note is that the transformation waves were unpredictable in length and strength.  Some were shorter and less intense, some strong and long.  The rest of the birth experience seemed to be this way.

I invited my partner Jay into the tub.  He sat opposite sides of me, and I put my legs on the sides, up over his forearms.  This felt very good to me, and he would caress my legs and calves in between birthing waves.  DSCF4958The urge to push was strong, and I naturally groaned loud, low, and long as I heaved and worked with the waves.  I would say things like, “I love life,” “I love my body, thank you body,” and “I love everything, everybody!”  I would wave my hands in the air to gather energy like I had done in yoga dancing.  When a surge came on, I would grab the sides of the tub to help myself push.  Talya would remind me to bring the hypno-anesthesia directly to where I needed it, and it would get closer to the exit, she would constantly remind me to “bring the hypo-anesthesia in front of your baby’s head.”  That helped a lot.  One of the midwives encouraged me to check to feel where the head was, it was 2 inches up from the exit.  At one point.  Chris pulled up a chair and encouraged me to focus.  She said, “Don’t sit on the exit.”  The midwife apprentice, on my left, would say “You’re doing great,” and other things.

I’d never felt anything so intense in my life when the pushing would start.  I would want to tense up, but remember to relax like the hypnobabies practice I did for days and weeks on end encouraged.  I groaned long and deeply while pushing with each surge.  After several moments, Chris got my attention.  She asked me to direct my energies down towards the baby’s exit, with my breath, like I did in yoga.  She said it’s not good to let the baby stay in the canal too long.  Chris asked me to feel my baby’s head gently.  I did.  My husband and daughter tell me I got the most melting look, exclaiming, “IT’S SO SOFT!”

Easy Joyful Natural Birth of Samantha Lynn Part III – She is Born

This is when I mentally noticed a change.  The energy had been more scattered until then.  Every time I knew it was time to push, I would direct the energies, with everything I had, down towards the exit.    Every surge seemed to grow in intensity.  I really wanted to


run away.  There came a point of no return where I knew I had to jump over the edge…a real  ”It’s now or never” decision.  I prayed with everything I had and I took the plunge.  As I did, I saw 3 dolphins in the water with me.  One on each side at each hip, and one behind my back, supporting me deeply and perfectly.  A couple more pushes only, I knew, before the head would appear.  I asked the apprentice not to touch me, because, when she did, I felt myself contract the baby’s head back up the birth canal slightly, which I didn’t want. She had been massaging my perineum to encourage optimal stretching without tearing.  With the next surge, I pushed with all my might, and the head was crowning!  In between the last pushes, I looked at my husband, who was completely engaged with me.  His energy contributed to me so much.  Just staring at him helped immensely as I gathered my strength for each last push.  With the next push, I looked at my husband.  And before I knew it,


with the next push, she was up from the water into my arms and on my chest, and I was relieved it was over.  She was so warm and cuddly.  She cried well.   I noticed the pool turned red.  My husband, who normally has a hard time with blood, was completely with me in the experience.  I credit this to hypnobabies partner and fear clearing tracks that he did to help him manage fears.


I held my baby for a couple of moments.  Then I asked, “what do we have?”  It was a girl.  Wow!  The chord was still intact, as was our wishes expressed in our Birthing Plan, for delayed chord clamping. There was a lot of bustling around me.  I had to be reminded to keep the baby above water because it was a fine line between holding her too high where she couldn’t stay warm, and too low.  At one point the midwife grabbed her away from me and turned her upside down briefly, because she had been close to IMG_4591

being submerged in the water.  After that I made very sure she was kept safe.  Very soon the midwife was pushing down on me again.  It was slightly uncomfortable, but very soon after, the placenta slipped out very easily.  Jay and my daughter Amanda together cut the chord. The chord had naturally clamped itself off by that time.  No sooner had all this happened where I was escorted by 2 midwives out of the pool carefully and onto the bed into warm towels and blankets.  Ahhh!


The baby came to me right away.  Talya brought the most refreshing drink of coconut water I had ever tasted, telling me how well I did.  Everyone told me how well I did.  Talya stayed by me as I helped feed the baby for the first time.  I affirmed that anybody who ever wanted to use Hypnobabies definitely should.  I thanked her, telling her what a contribution her energy was for my birth.  Then she said her goodbyes.

The midwives palpated my midsection a couple of times.  They encouraged me to use the bathroom and have a shower if I would like.  I did.  Chris brought me supplies in the bathroom.  Chris told me that pushing is something that doesn’t always come naturally and can seem awkward to work with, which I admitted it did.  It had felt like I was on fire.  It was the most intense sensations in my hips and back I’d ever felt.  It took up all the courage I could muster not to run away from that feeling and to directly jump into it, but when I did, the baby was born.  Chris was kind and had other things to say as well.  DSCF5024While I was in the shower, the baby had her newborn checkup.  All in all, the labor was from 11-6:30am, so about 7.5 hours.  When I climbed back into bed, she brought me breakfast of fruit and bagel with cream cheese.  The midwives told us to stay as long as we would like to rest and nap before going home.  We stayed and rested and than gathered our belongings to go home in the early afternoon.




The neatest thing that happened is that the music ended just after I was done giving birth.  The 2 songs I liked the most, a version of Amazing Grace by David Tolk, played when I got in the water.  Dolphin Dreams by Jonathan Goldman, which featured Whale and Dolphin singing, was the last musical selection to play.  This piece happened to be an hour long.  Even Talya at one point during this piece reminded me during a pressure wave, of My Safe Place that I’d created in Hypnobabies class.  Mine featured dolphins, among other things.  That reminder really was loving and supportive.  The fact that this music was the music during pushing was magical and miraculous to me.  I really hadn’t set my mind to any particular birth.  I just desired ease, joy, and comfort.  I had asked myself daily “What would it take to have an easy, joyful, comfortable birth?”

The Access Consciousness® tools I remember using during birth was being in question. “What energy, space, and consciousness can I be to have total ease and clarity with this for all eternity?”  At one point when I was resisting the energies, I repeated in my head, “Interesting point of view I have this point of view.”  And even once when things were intense, “Everything is the opposite of what it appears to be, nothing is the opposite of what it appears to be,”  came to me.  I would ask “What position would my body like,” and “What’s a good question to ask here,” as needed also.  Before I left to the birthing center, I quickly wrote to my online birthing support groups that I was in my birthing time, and to send good vibes my way.

Easy Joyful Natural Birth of Samantha Lynn: IV – What I know for sure

The one thing I know for sure is that when the mind and body are relaxed, and you get out of your own way, the birth process’s length and speed are optimal.   There are many ways to do birth.  What worked the best for me, was to go completely limp and loose in my mind, allowing my body to do the work, like I’d practiced with Hypnobabies. Birth instincts and the mother’s intuition are enhanced.  When you feel safe and supported, with the people who are present and also with a calm environment, an optimal birth can be achieved.  This is why I believe the birth center, with it’s dim lights and respect for the mother’s wishes in how to birth, created an optimal birthing environment for me.  Birth is a right brain process.  Hospitals can be overly reliant on left brain processes and technology, which can be counter-intuitive to birth. Birth is not an emergency waiting to happen, like western medicine paradigm often suggests.

Two articles that speak to what I know about the deeper initiation process and power inherent to women in birth are Healing Birth, Healing The Earth by Sarah J. Buckley, and Alchemy of Midwifery and Women’s Initiation, A talk given by Shivam Rachana.  Two videos that completely inspired me in the last weeks were Birth as We Know It and Birth in Nature: Natural Birth.

I sensed during birth how important one’s tribe is.  I couldn’t have done it alone.  It made me that much more aware of the intensity that can be present during the birth experience.  I am willing to be there for others in their birthing process, whether symbolic or real, as needed.  I was so touched by this affirmation.

 The Naming of Samantha Lynn


About an hour after she was born, I was lying in bed, getting comfortable and settled in with her.  I talked to her and called her “Samantha.”  It just popped out of my mouth.  I was surprised that name pleased me so much.  I told my husband and my daughter, and they also fell in love with that name.  I think the being told us what she would like to be named.  Just to be sure, we sat with a few names over the next week.  However, the name Samantha just kept coming up.  Originally, I would have thought it too masculine, but I knew this was her name.

Now for the middle name.  My daughter Amanda Mae was named Mae in honor of one of my first elderly patients that I cared for on a regular basis.  I loved the old fashioned name.  Now you think “Rae” would rhyme well with “Mae.”  It would have been cute.   I wasn’t sure why, but I knew Samantha Lynn was the name.  Not Samantha Rae or even Samantha Raelyn. Well, on day 8 we called the midwife and she wrote up her birth certificate officially.  I told the midwife, “Samantha Lynn.”  Then Amanda initiated creating a birth announcement we could email to family and put out on facebook.  Amanda looked up the meaning of the name Lynn.  It was “of the water.”  This made me cry.  Not only is she a Pisces, with a sensitive nature, but she chose to be born in the water!  Wow!  Samantha means good listener, flower.  Spirt whispered this being is a gentle soul a couple of months before she was born.  She is such a beautiful girl who gifts us with joy and love and peace every day.


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Why religious trauma occurs and what to do about it

I recently was on the World Awakened Radio Show with host Kerri Kennan on 09/24/2014.

In this half hour segment I share my story of extricating myself from the mormon worldview and how I am weaving that into my vocation now. I invite you to listen to my interview about leaving mormonism and how to extricate yourself from religious trauma and spiritual abuse here. If you would like to learn about working with me, come here.


Victoria Dortzbach, Ordained Minister and spiritual companioner

Blog post: Why religious trauma occurs and what to do about it


Recovery from Mormonism Presents: A Trajectory of Mormon Transition, by Bill Dobbs

A Trajectory of Mormon Transition, by Bill Dobbs* ([email protected]) *my excellent father.  He is a counselor, theologian, and historian.

I started the Religious Transition Group (RTG) in March of 2003, as a support group for former or current Mormons, or others in conflict with their traditional religious identity. 1 For more than 12 years I have had the opportunity to see men and women go through the turmoil of great religious and social changes. They often suffer heartache in the process, yet come through transformed and strengthened in the end. This article discusses the principal challenges and transitions one may expect when leaving Mormonism.

I was a devoted convert to Mormonism for over thirty years, and I still feel great affection for the Mormon people. I spent many hours reflecting on the pains, pleasures, and puzzlements of my own transition from Mormon to ex-Mormon, listening to others who are on this same journey. I am deeply touched as I see those transitioning meet their trials with courage and wisdom. Active Mormons are also my beloved family members and friends, and I admire the love and dedication in their lives. I hope that this discussion of transition phases will help reduce unnecessary suffering for all.

Someday transitioning Mormons and true believers will better understand each other. 2 As more people leave the LDS Church more understanding among family members will become a necessity. Meanwhile, I can promise those leaving Mormonism that you are not alone, and you can lead a new life as you draw on strength and insight you never knew you had. As saints and sages from all traditions have taught, life is full of unavoidable suffering. But once pain, fear, and anger have been accepted and confronted honestly, the road to compassion and new understanding is open.

This discussion is also informed by my own personal experience of divorce, a similar traumatic and life-changing experience, as well as by insights I have gained from reading about history, religion, and psychology. In these pages I suggest ways of framing issues that I have found satisfying and helpful. Whether you agree with these formulations or not, let them be a spur to your own thinking as your strive for a satisfying life through this difficult transition.

The transitional changes mentioned in this paper presuppose that you have had a vital emotional connection to the Mormon Church and culture, and a firm self-identification as Mormon. Especially if you live in the Mormon corridor, have been raised in a Mormon family with generations of aunts, uncles, and cousins in the church, and have married a spouse for time and all eternity in the temple, Mormonism is in your blood. If you were a convert from a family with another religious tradition you may find it easier to leave the LDS Church. Some of your extended family should at least give you support and sympathy, and you already know there are more ways to see life than through the Mormon lens. But whatever your situation, is no simple matter for those who have strong ties to the LDS Church to leave Mormon ways of believing and belonging.

Even someone who consciously comes to reject self-identification as Mormon will often bear a distinctive stamp on his or her life that those who have never been Mormons cannot share. Hence the importance of finding friends who will support you, engaging in continuing discussions, practicing new habits, and finding satisfying life goals. Ex-Mormon internet discussion groups, face-to-face support groups such as RTG, chapters of, and other groups can be a great boon to those in transition. I gain great satisfaction in knowing that RTG meetings have given seekers the relief of a safe place to share their honest feelings in the company of sympathetic people.

The last stage of independence and integration outlined here is my best vision of a successful and satisfying journey. Just remember that we do not march through Mormonism in a linear fashion. Think of transition as a spiral with widening circles. You may keep coming back to earlier phases, but with time your visits will be less frequent and less stressful. You may find comfort just in knowing that there is a pattern to this painful and exhilarating process. Take what works for you in this discussion, and discard the rest.

Here is an outline of the transition process:

Naive Harmony


Attempt to Restore Harmony

Breakdown: Distancing and Separation

Surviving Through Turmoil

Making a New Identity: Ferment and Experimentation

Solidifying Identity: Settling In and Reaching Out

Independence and Integration

This discussion is followed by consideration of the thoroughgoing changes that those separating from Mormonism face in multiple areas of life:

Religious and Spiritual




Marriage and Family

Naive Harmony

Here you are satisfied, feeling no conflict. You never question or see any reason to question policies or decisions of church authorities, who you closely identify with your childhood home and parents. You feel so close to the church that your worth and your meaning are inseparably bound to it. Living the commandments and obeying authority is satisfying. When obedience is not satisfying, you fear disobedience too much to consider it. You cannot conceive of acting contrary to traditional teachings. You take it for granted that your life would be meaningless without the gospel. Eventually you may question some policy, decision, or doctrine, but your questions are you readily dismissed from your mind. At some point, you may start to wonder a bit more seriously about issues, but decide to “put them on the shelf,” without any great strain to your faith.


It becomes harder to shut dissonance out of your mind. The shelf where you put your questions starts to sag. You may come to realize that you really don’t “know that the church is true.” You may question church doctrines, such as plural marriage, or be repelled by the church- encouraged violence and uninspiring behavior of leaders in early Mormon history. You may disagree with political positions of the church. You may suspect that church condemnation of honest history and historians is unfair and unjust, a sign that the authorities may doubt the truth they say they know without a doubt.

You question why love, rather than obedience, is not preached as the highest principle for those who follow Jesus. You wonder about preaching that emphasizes the evil of the world, and makes you fearful to give serious consideration to your own genuine thoughts and feelings. You grow weary of church emphasis on sexual shame. You see that church members who are honest in answering questions are sometimes denied callings or forbidden to go to the temple, while those who lie and secretly disobey standards are sometimes given those privileges. Similar things exist in other organizations, but this makes you doubt the system of a bishop declaring “worthiness.”

Death, serious illness, or other adversity may darken your world, and shake your faith. You may come to suspect that your warm feelings after prayer were simply based on your social conditioning, and thus no proof whatever that Mormonism is true. You may see that people who are not Mormons enjoy their lives and feel satisfied with their religion, or their lack of religion, making you wonder if the church is really the only way to happiness. You may wonder why you fulfill all the commandments and still feel miserable, not happy. Or you may despair of ever fulfilling all the commandments.

Attempt to Restore Harmony

You may fall back on stock explanations, follow the commandments more strictly, and say that adversity builds character. Or you may just run away from all dissonance, refusing to think “negative thoughts” because what makes you feel bad “grieves the spirit” and is “anti-Mormon.” You may decide that history isn’t important, that as the authorities say, it is only the “witness of the spirit” that counts. You tell yourself that church authorities know best. You blame yourself for your doubts and shortcomings, and wonder if you deserve divine punishment for them. You are unworthy, not the church. You keep busy with church work, yet your doubts keep nagging.

If your attempt to quell doubts and perceived inconsistencies works, you may restore a satisfying sense of harmony. Doubts may linger, but you refuse to let them undermine your belief in Mormon authority. If you find further reasons to doubt in the future, however, you may feel the previous conflict even more keenly. When harmonizing attempts fall short, your identification with the church loosens, and further distancing or even complete separation is possible.

Breakdown: Distancing or Separation

Thoughtful examination of your beliefs requires that you at least provisionally distance yourself from traditional tenets of the faith. This provokes anxiety, and may lead to repression of anything conflicting with orthodox Mormonism from your conscious mind, causing you, in a psychological dynamic called projection, to blame other people for their lack of faith. Yet your subconscious is not fooled. Frantic attempts to suppress all doubts may someday lead to total collapse of belief, seemingly in one stroke. You are then left to pick up the pieces. Pascal said that “Denying, believing and doubting are to men what running is to horses.” 3 A mature and credible approach demands recognizing that truth, and deals consciously with doubts. Denied thoughts and feelings will take their toll, in any event.

The first level of conscious distancing begins with unorthodox thoughts, or deviation from trivial customs or practices, such as wearing colored shirts or drinking Coke. You may become less active, or inactive. You may actually no longer believe the church’s claims, but decide that because of community or family ostracism you must become a “closet doubter.” This denial of yourself and your feelings may suddenly collapse if you cannot stand to be silent anymore.

On the other hand, you may simply reduce your activity in the church, or become completely inactive, but still identify as Mormon. Or you may decide that you need to continue activity and belief in the church, but you bring wider areas of knowledge into play, including your own feelings, philosophy, history, science, alternative faith traditions. This is the position of a Mormon religious liberal. General authority sermons and church discipline, however, show you that religious liberals are not very welcome in the LDS Church these days.

Despite all attempts, you may fail to reconcile your conflict in any satisfying way. Church claims become so unbelievable, church actions so offensive, church sermons so irritating, that the clash between who you are and what your church espouses just becomes too great. You can no longer identify with the organization. You are stunned when you see that the officially taught version of history is far from the spectacle of polygamy, polyandry, power seeking, violence, and financial irregularities engaged in by early church leaders. Work for the church, paying of tithes and offerings, become burdens, not blessings. Church talk at meetings, home, or work becomes intrusive and annoying. General authority injunctions to follow leaders without question feel like counsel to regress into a childish world that avoids adult responsibility.

Sometimes it is only our desperation to be heard and seen that drives us out into the open, that demands we act authentically on our insights, regardless of the consequences. Criticism of authority is one of the greatest LDS taboos. If you are able to speak and act honesty, you feel a new sense of personal power. Things start moving when you are open. If you announce to your wife, family, or Bishop that you no longer believe, and that you no longer wish to participate in church, you open the door to many life changes. You feel you must be true to yourself to live a life worth living. You do not know what lies ahead, just that you must persist on our journey.

Surviving Through Turmoil

Emphasis in this phase is on just coping with the internal and external shocks as your faith and all the familiar signposts of your life collapse. You struggle to regain balance amidst the vertigo of religious insecurity. Everything in your life has been shattered, and your confidence is in ruins. The preexistence, mortal life’s test of obedience, faith in future life eternal with all your loved ones–all of these are gone. You have no north star by which to steer your life.

Depression, anger, and grief hit you like a wave. You struggle to stay afloat. You may first try to hide from your wife or husband. You agonize how to explain to him or her, when it seems almost incomprehensible to you. You try to hold on to something. You do not want to think of what your disbelief will do to your marriage. You desperately want your spouse, family, and friends to understand and sympathize, yet you know how much these disclosures will hurt them. In most cases you will get stiff resistance. Their fear, refusal to engage, or adamant arguments may provoke escalating disputes.

You doubt your own worthiness, making you question what you have worked so hard to see. Shame and guilt surface and this only makes you angrier. Your normal activities and friendships drop away. Friends stop talking to you or coming by. Husband or wife may retreat into ultimatums or silence. You feel alone, bereft of God, caught in an uncaring universe that mocks you. You may not know where to turn.

Making a New Identity: Ferment and Experimentation

As your normal activities drop away, so do your habitual Mormon cultural reactions. If you were a convert, you may fall back on past ways of thinking to understand and stabilize your life. You may take up with old friends you have neglected, or you may attend your prior church. You most likely will not feel completely at home, but may adapt more with time. If you leave Mormonism and quickly convert to an evangelical Christian church, you must adapt to new social customs and associates, but may avoid the feeling of being completely shattered.

You can allay your religious and social anxieties through another exclusive system that is certain of its truth. This can be fulfilling, but in avoiding much of the upheaval in leaving Mormonism, you may actually be missing psychological, religious, and intellectual growth. The typical path of those who come to our group, however, is not conversion to another religion, but disillusionment with all religion. This produces an aversion to organized religion, skepticism of religious claims, and especially the claims of religious authority.

You experiment with new behaviors. In this early stage, you cross old moral, social, emotional, marital, and religious boundaries of good taste. You flaunt your ability to dress and look differently, or practice formerly taboo behaviors like smoking or drinking, or even sexual experimentation. You seek out the unsavory history of the LDS Church, and may speak loudly and often against Mormonism–or you resent that you cannot. You flip from ardent believer to ardent skeptic. You can no longer identify with your old techniques to determine “truth” or “testimony.” Or you may hide your deep questioning or experimentation if the Mormon culture or your spouse still has enough hold on you. You eventually start seeking more of what you want, than of reacting to what you lost. You begin to understand and enjoy what your intellect and experience have found to be reliable, rather than pursuing rebellion just because it is rebellious.

Solidifying Identity: Settling in and Reaching Out

Your life has started to stabilize, your needs and daily tasks more clear. If your spouse agrees with you, you have avoided much pain. You may explore new ideas and ways of acting that comport more with conventional social boundaries. If your spouse clings to her faith, you have a better sense of how far you can push her. You have confronted the fallout of telling extended family. You miss your former friends and associates, but are reaching out to widen your circle. You find help from a friend, support group, or professional therapist.

You are more comfortable with yourself and have moved further toward separating your identity from the church. You try to deepen your learning about Mormon history, setting things in wider context for you. You review your past to look at the fears you avoided, or the desires and thoughts you were afraid to pursue due to the fear of group rejection if you did not conform.

You increasingly accept your past experience, and you start understanding yourself better. You feel relieved that you do not have to submit all your thoughts, impulses, and actions to a higher authority. You have explored different ways to think and act, and you move toward those that feel right. You are intrigued by what lies ahead, but you still feel incomplete. You know things will never be the same, but you are starting to let go of reactive rebellion and reflexive disagreement. You are starting to accept yourself, and have more confidence in your ability to get through turmoil which is becoming less frequent and distressing.

Independence and Integration

Congratulations, you survived! You are stronger for it. You found the courage to work through both resistance from within yourself and resistance from others. You used the energy of anger and your will to justice to motivate you through hard times, but you then skillfully let go of all resentment and worked your way out of the victim role. You felt your suffering but did not get bogged down in it. You found your human values. You do what you love, take satisfaction in work, and you are building the kind of world you want. You have friends to share joy and pain, and you have found meaningful tasks to accomplish. You know what you like and don’t like, you are more open to thoughts and feelings than ever before, you explore intellectual and creative interests. If your spouse has not come to agree with your view of Mormonism, you have either arranged a workable accommodation, or have ended the relationship.

You know you are not the only one on this life journey. You are increasingly at peace with your past, leaving behind bitterness and resentment. You look forward to new and very different future. You may want to help others who are going through transition, and while you have strong disagreements with Mormonism, you also give respect and compassion to Mormon believers or others with religious or political opinions that differ from you. You can live with religious diversity and uncertainty.

You may or may not find you want to attend another church, but you appreciate how much you don’t know, and you are willing to live with mystery. You are your own captain on this voyage. You no longer need to seek approval from an all-knowing parent-like institution for your adult actions. You no longer live reactively. You have constructive interests. If you have conflict with believing family members or associates, you can talk to them calmly. When things get upsetting, you know who you can talk to or what you need to do to soothe yourself and look for solutions. You do not need perfection. When you become independent, you no longer jump whenever the LDS Church sneezes. You accept yourself. You may spend large amounts of time entirely forgetting about your old religion. The past cannot contain you; you live in a wider universe.

Transition in Multiple Aspects of Life

As suggested earlier, coming out as a nonbeliever has far-reaching consequences that challenge religion and spirituality, moral life, social life, emotional balance, and marriage and family. When separating from your Mormon identity, you encounter questions you never before allowed yourself to face. Familiar sources of support collapse, and courage is tested to the core. Next we discuss your transition through various areas of life.

Religious and Spiritual— You lose your long-time purpose and sense of security. Often you no longer know what happens after death, if prayer is answered, whether trials have a purpose, or whether you can feel confidence in life. Many of us no longer know if there is a God to answer prayer. You once trusted in the complete safety of following authority; but now you realize trust was misplaced and there is no such safety. Yet often those in transition tell me that they have a sense their life is unfolding as it should. You lose everything you considered of religious value, but in return you now have the opportunity to think deeply and critically about the most fundamental issues of life. You determine what is really worth believing. There is no pretending, no running away, no covering up. You no longer know who or what to trust. Years of “knowing the gospel is true” may be balanced by years of not knowing anything of a religious nature. Patiently accepting this “beginner’s mind,” as Zen Buddhist practitioners would call it, can lead you to consider possibilities you never previously conceived.

Those who come to RTG during these past few years do not readily accept the doctrines of any other church, though they may sometimes attend a church where they feel welcomed and unpressured. They look at life free of prescribed thoughts and emotions. They sense that religion is part of life, and religious authority has no special guarantee. They are thoughtful about what they know, and how they know it. They feel that the religious rug slipped from under them, and they are cautious about religious claims. Though uncertain, however, they are also open to the possibility of religious truth. They just do not know now what it might be. They can live with uncertainty.

They are prone to appreciate or respect some religious beliefs they once dismissed, and they prize experiences of the sacred outside of conventional religion. Many find beauty and peace in valleys, mountains, and forests, coming in touch there with the awe that marks our perception of the sacred. You do not need to subscribe to any religion to find a sense of the sacred. After our religious disillusionment we may feel safest sticking to the secular. On the other hand, when we have learned the lessons of our disillusionment, fleeing all things religious may deny our deepest needs. Neither naive belief nor reactive cynicism are very good lenses through which to seek spiritual wisdom. Practice an intelligent openness.

Contrary to Mormon teachings, you need not think of one religion as “the only true faith,” and others as false. You need not take mythical stories literally, subscribe to the dogmatic elements of a religion, or accept its claims of exclusive authority to appreciate the truth it holds. Different religious traditions spring from different cultures. One can look at them in different ways. One might take them simply as expressions of varying cultural approaches to life. One may also discern a deeper unity among them. Despite real differences in dogmas and truth claims, each traditional religion has some form of the golden rule that calls on its adherents to treat our neighbor as our self. Each has mystics who speak of encountering the transcendent light and love that penetrates all life. Each has techniques of prayer, meditation or ritual for coming in touch with that ultimate reality. 4

As you mature in your transition you ask yourself: what gives meaning to my life? What is it that inspires you, gives you courage, and moves you forward? What experiences, music, or actions make you feel close to the sacred? Whatever you do, you will need to find a credible world view that satisfies your needs for reason, reverence, ethical ideals, and supportive community. Since different needs, personalities, cultures, and experiences, not simply differences in intellect, will lead sincere people to different conclusions on these issues, it is reasonable to look for a point of view that satisfies you, but does not demean others.

Moral– Mormonism’s highest proclaimed principle is obedience. What do you do when there is no authority to tell you what is right? You were formed by your awe of authority. You now have both the burden and the opportunity to discover your own moral truths. You still face shame and guilt. The internalized voice of parental warning will not disappear overnight just because you have changed your intellectual beliefs. Through the years forbidden behavior fascinated you, but you felt ashamed and denied your attraction to it. Perhaps you only obeyed because you feared social pressure, repressing awareness of your real desires. You may feel so angry and betrayed that you can no longer stand to wear masks of conformity and niceness.

Leaving Mormonism is like navigating adolescence once again. You reject childish behavior, and you cross old boundaries to test your mettle. You may feel strong impulses to experiment with new styles of dress, attitude, and forbidden behaviors, including drinking, smoking, or sex. An adolescent is impelled to cross childhood rules both to try out “adult” behavior and to prove that he really is a grown up. The formerly-faithful-Mormon-in-transition has been taught all her life never to disobey or depart from the fatherly direction of church patriarchs. If your Mormon past shut you in a miserable box, if you feel at sea now, you will make more dramatic efforts to break your past bonds. So you rebel, feel your oats, and sometimes relish shocking others. By breaking through the boundaries of behavior you once condemned, you seek to proclaim your independence. You demonstrate to yourself and others that you can flout disapproval.

If before your alienation from Mormonism you were more conscious about your desires, more confident in yourself, and more aware of what you wanted in your personal life, then this boundary crossing may not be so insistent. Acting differently changes your feelings and thoughts. The new behavior need not be dramatic or harmful to undo past conditioning. Attachment to an all-embracing religion like Mormonism is made up of many small habits of thought, speech, and action. Your need not act as dramatically as Martin Luther did to separate from the Roman Catholic Church. He held a Friday pig-roasting banquet to defy church-ordained meatless Fridays, and then broke his monastic vows of celibacy to marry a nun, vividly proclaiming his independence. Perhaps just seeing a good “R” rated movie, wearing a sleeveless blouse, or having a glass of wine with your dinner will do for you. Breaking such taboos can be surprisingly difficult, but can contribute strongly to independent decision making.

Honesty, clear thinking, and awareness of your needs and the needs of others are your touchstones through this period. However conservative or daring you are in your behavior, it is necessary for one who separates from Mormonism to feel his way toward a responsible and authentic sense of right and wrong. Maybe you and your spouse never conceived that a person could be moral without the church-given “gift of the Holy Ghost.” Yet the capacity for morality is present in anyone who has a normal sense of empathy, anyone who can think, remember, observe, and reflect on the effect of her conduct. Your moral fiber is revealed by the very fact that you exercised the courage to question cherished beliefs, that you pursued your vision of truth in the face of so many obstacles.

Once you feel more comfortable with your life, you no longer need to behave reactively. You do things because they work, not because a stern parent tells you, or because you need to rebel to separate from the group. You discover your own moral insights, with the voice of authority coming from within. You own your repressed desires, and deal with them consciously. You act morally not because of rules and guilt, but from inner conviction and awareness of consequences. You no longer obey moral injunctions simply to get approval and avoid social condemnation. You see from experience that observing traditional moral standards helps prevent unnecessary suffering for self and others. You have both the time and the vision to see that goodness runs through all the human family, not just one group. The entire world is now your moral field.

Social– Old ties disappear with friends, community, and perhaps employment. We spent long hours of church work and activity, and socialized with neighbors who were in our ward, so all our friends and associates came from church. If we stop participating in church, friends will probably discuss your apostasy with your believing spouse. They may stop calling or coming over. When it comes right down to it, most friends do not want to hear about the reasons you stopped believing. You make them uncomfortable. You lose your home teaching, Sunday School, priesthood quorum, Relief Society associations. You see friends in strained silence. Some, however, may want to use you as a kind of sounding board for their forbidden thoughts and doubts.

Your workplace may be filled with Mormons chattering about church work, projects, sermons, activities, temple attendance, etc. You may feel reluctant to come out to these people for fear of provoking severe negative reactions. If you confide your beliefs, they may try to reconvert you. You may be denied promotions. If you own a store, a dental practice, or a law office, you may lose business. People in smaller communities may find they can no longer make a living unless they move to a new area.

In Mormon communities, the homes adjacent to ours are filled with ward members. Neighborhood barbecues or other gatherings feel like church meetings. You no longer feel welcome. The bottom line is that you will lose most, if not all, familiar friendships and associations. You are now an outsider. You desperately need honest and supportive conversation, but you may actually be reluctant to hurt the faith of people you know. These days “come outers” can vent on the internet. The online ex-Mormon community can be helpful not only in understanding the history of Mormonism, but in seeing how others cope with leaving the fold.

This does not, however, eliminate the need for face-to-face conversation and support. There is nothing like the balm of sympathetic human presence. With so many areas of your life challenged, a good therapist can help you navigate unfamiliar waters. Or you will benefit from a support group. I’ve seen one or two visits to RTG give the seeker new hope that is evident in her entire posture. To make new friends, you might attend a nonjudgmental church, secular community activities, divorce support or singles groups. Social ties are crucial in getting through hard times.

Emotional–You cannot go through such change to your fundamental beliefs and activities without awakening deep emotions. The development and strength of feelings will vary according to personal disposition and circumstances. The ability to move through difficult emotions well may depend on how much healthy love your parents gave you when you were growing up. The healthier your church leaders in youth, the more guilt- free you will feel now. The more emotional security you felt as a child, the less likely you are to hold a grudge or to feel completely devastated for very long. As you learn views of Mormonism you never encountered before, you feel curiosity, fascination, and excitement. You also feel disturbed, then shocked as pillars of religious faith collapse. You question your own worthiness. Shame wells up as questions increase, but you feel compelled to keep learning.

Mormon parents teach children to revere their leaders. They are never to turn down a church calling. Bishops annual interviews probe youthful behavior, reinforcing obedience to parents and to church standards. You view general authorities with feelings of awe, the prophet most of all. Without their authority your family could not stay together. Pictures of these men are everywhere, on walls at homes and meeting houses. Church general authorities, and the legendary founding prophet Joseph Smith, are truly fathers-writ-large. These revered prophets tell us what the ultimate father, God, demands of us. But then you discover Joseph left unsettling discrepancies in first vision stories, and his marriage and sexual practices would be thought shocking and offensive if taught at church today. General authorities today have chosen to clamp down on those who try to tell the history of Joseph Smith and plural marriage honestly. Any public criticism of views espoused by general authorities, however well founded in fact, is considered apostasy. As scholars, intellectuals, and feminists meet with church discipline, general authorities deny their obvious involvement.

As a faithful Mormon you may have felt painful guilt for your failure to live up to high standards, deep shame for normal sexual impulses. You struggled to be truthful in all your dealings; now you discover your church has lied. Your revered founding prophet fostered bizarre sexual practices. When your revered religious fathers show their feet of clay, you are not simply disappointed, you feel betrayed. Your sacred expectations collapse, your security disappears. The child within you feels abandoned and humiliated. You are left on our own to make sense of a newly naked and unfriendly universe.

You feel lonely as relationships break down. You feel grief at your loss, and at times a nostalgic longing to return to your lost innocence, but you have learned too much ever to feel comfortable with your old ways. You may become depressed at all your losses and your seeming inability to control anything in your life. You will be anxious as you try to find new ways to continue meeting your needs for security, companionship, affection, family support. You need to find a reassuring sense of your place in the scheme of things. You start to realize believers are afraid of you. Even strangers greet you with shock if you say you are ex-Mormon. As you get beyond your initial shock and indignation, you feel more confidence in yourself. A new sense of freedom wells up; you no longer censor your thoughts and feelings. You feel whole in yourself, perhaps for the first time. You accept your situation. You savor the free-flowing thoughts and feelings as they move through you. Your body wakes up. You became aware of repressed emotions and impulses. You are frightened, but also exhilarated. You want to pursue new ideas wherever they lead. Life is opening, and you have reason to hope

Marriage and Family–When a spouse tells his devout partner he no longer believes, it threatens the foundation of the relationship. An eternal marriage is impossible without priesthood, temple worthiness, faith, and continuing obedience to LDS authority. If you have a good relationship, are emotionally close, and communicate well, you may have a fruitful encounter. Be prepared, however, for a more fearful reaction. Your spouse may feel many of the emotions mentioned above–including shock, fear, anger, indignation, and betrayal. They are directed at you for your failure to fulfill life expectations and eternal covenants.

The believing spouse wonders where he failed. This may make him dig in his heels, presenting you with ultimatums of obedience to the church. He will fall back on the fear of apostates and the traditional belief that you can lose faith only because of moral failure. You may be shocked to find that your bishop and your spouse both ask whether you had an adulterous affair. It is too threatening to confront actual reasons for disbelief. They will blame you, not the church, because their identity is so tied to the church. Indeed, wife, husband, or church authority become rigid because they fear you will make them lose their faith if they talk honestly to you.

If your spouse can separate from his or her self-identification with Mormonism, your task of transition will be lightened considerably. You have a partner and confidante to share your search for a new life. If not, you must exercise patience. It may take time for the new and distressing information to penetrate to your spouse. You cannot expect beliefs that fulfill deep social and religious needs to disappear in a moment. It may help if you talk tentatively and reasonably about you insights and feelings, with acknowledgment of how hard it is to face this information. Gain control of your own emotions before talking, and don’t forget to exercise compassion toward your spouse or other believers. Show your love. Sudden and dramatic moral behavior changes are not likely to help loved ones understand or accept you. To the best of your ability you need to make your loved ones feel safe.

Attempts to overwhelm your partner are not very effective. The more you insist, the less your confidence. In any event, attack will provoke defense, and what is needed is honest, truthful, and heartfelt dialogue. If your marriage is to continue, you must overcome theological differences by finding common human values now. What common activities, goals, values, loves can you still share? You have the potential to share more than you think. 5

Often we seekers find ourselves faced with an ultimatum: obey and believe or the marriage ends. If your spouse stays a true believer, and your marriage goes on, she will often refuse to talk about religion. This frustrates any hope for a more intimate and honest relationship. It is my sense that compassion, patience, and the search for common human values are the only things that might help your partner to open up.

If religious differences become a constant bone of contention you must evaluate whether the marriage is still worthwhile. Honestly assess your contribution. If your spouse consistently acts in ways that show she thinks you are intrinsically defective, if she does not act differently when you repeatedly request it, and if you have done everything you can think of, there may not be much hope for a fulfilling future. Do not forget to try therapy. You will need to find a therapist who is willing to take an neutral attitude about your status with the LDS Church.

If over a significant period of time your spouse, despite all the patience and understanding you can muster, persistently refuses to see any meaning in your common activities but that given by his Mormon identity, all efforts to reach a common ground may fail. At times, separation may help put things in perspective. Ultimately divorce may be the only viable decision that can preserve your sanity and allow you to live the truth you see. Acting impulsively, however, is not advisable. RTG members have told me that their believing partners gradually became more flexible after they stopped trying to persuade them to disbelieve. Much depends on what you have in common outside of your relationship to the LDS Church, and how well the two of you have been able to resolve conflicts in the past.

Whether you believe in Mormonism or not, strained silence, constant conflict, or ultimatums that demand your spouse abandons her beliefs are not good for children. What is done in secret will be shouted from the house tops in any event. Despite divorce, kids will encounter the different beliefs of mother and father. You cannot build impervious border walls in spiritual or emotional life. You can pretend differences do not exist. You can demean, demonize and shun your partner, if you choose. Or you can deal consciously, openly and compassionately with differences now. What do you think is best for your children? What will they learn from you?

Whatever your beliefs, the most important thing you can do for your kids is to model the courage of kindness, honesty, and confidence. The character of your children will be formed not primarily by your words, but your behavior. Opposing positions proclaimed with equal harshness teach the same negative lessons. What does it matter if it is your religious obedience, or your religious ridicule, that moves your children to unkindness, dishonesty, or fear? In either case, you harm them. Whatever your religious beliefs, teaching your children sound values should be your first objective. Treating a child’s father or mother shabbily will not do. It certainly cannot build any real strength in you or your children. Emotionally and ethically negative communication overwhelms any facts in your position.

Extended family may have much the same closed attitude as your spouse. With a large extended family, though, you may have a chance of finding at least one sympathetic listener. You may be shunned and feared at first, but find sympathy later. Most family members will be afraid to talk to you about what is really in your heart. In the long run, patience and compassion give the best odds for a good response.

Be willing to respect people with different beliefs, while steadily pursuing the truth you see. Rejection, judgment, and silence from spouse and family cause members of RTG the most daily heartache. It is difficult to exercise patience with a frightened spouse, to communicate with compassion if your own emotions are raw, your own needs unmet. Be kind to yourself. Pursue activities you love. Separation from the church stresses the seeker in many of the same life-changing ways that divorce does, and it only adds to the stress when we must go through both divorce and exit from Mormonism at the same time. Reach out for support and new friends.

Concluding Comments

When you separate from Mormonism, you are commonly met with fear, misunderstanding and condemnation. You lose your friends. You feel fear and shame. You feel alone, abandoned, and vulnerable. You have been taught from the cradle that the church is perfect. You were never to criticize the Lord’s anointed–indeed, never to think a whiff of any critical thought about a church leader. When finally the dam breaks, and everything inside and outside of you says you are in the wrong, is it any wonder you get angry? We need to acknowledge our anger, experience it honestly, and channel its energy.

Anger is like the booster rocket that pushes us beyond earth’s gravity. When we drop it, we know we are free. While anger gives us the energy to accomplish change, and the courage to demand justice, when held onto doggedly it turns into resentment. Resentment ties us to the past and makes us victims. We become zealous anti-Mormons, as we were once zealous Mormons. We forget compassion for the believers that we once were, and for other believers now. We stay bitter, enmeshed with a religion we no longer want.

Anger blocks our awareness of vulnerability, but in the long run it is becoming open and vulnerable, if only we can stand it, that our greatest strength can be found. When in due time you give up your anger you accept responsibility for your life. You surrender your righteous victimization. Realize that any social group punishes individual member who violate its norms. Though they are essential to individual integrity and human progress, men and women who act contrary to group norms are not popular. Mormonism is particularly tight in its control over individual behavior, extreme in the near-infallible mantle it throws over its leaders.

Our greatest happiness and our greatest misery both come in the company of others. It is only in community that individuality realizes itself. If we had not been hurt in Mormonism, we would have been hurt elsewhere. Most of the time people do not hurt us intentionally. They are merely doing what they think is best. When we leave Mormonism, we search for a community that will truly give us scope for individuality, and that will nurture us today while we learn the lessons of our past. If we are wise we realize that we can never find perfection. Realistic expectations minimize pain.

Leaving Mormonism means you not only change your beliefs, but your identity. A satisfying transition involves leaving behind reactive emotionality. Freeing yourself from bitterness is at least as important as freeing yourself from incorrect beliefs. Indeed, until you do both, your liberation is incomplete. Once we have been able to overcome internal and external pressures to conform, have recognized our own reactivity in the struggle to get free, and have made significant progress in following our new truth, we are in a better position to see good in the tradition we have left.

Things look clearer from the vantage point of an independent and satisfying existence. I believe that we will not find personal peace until we can completely accept our past. We need to practice forgiveness for self and others. We need to consciously move through anger so that we can experience a new future. 6 Letting anger go improves both our mental and our physical health.

We do not find new awareness until the pain of life forces us out of our familiar beliefs and habits. That is both our burden and our opportunity. There is no creation without destruction. If we recognize this we can be grateful not only for the gifts, but even for the adversities of our Mormon past. When we lose, we find. The best journey from Mormonism entails not simply becoming more intellectually discriminating, but also more inclusive, tolerant, open-minded, and compassionate.

If you are continually harassed and abused, you may find it helpful to move to another state, or to withdraw from all contact with Mormon family, at least for a time. Do what you must to preserve your sanity. But look first to what you can do where you are now. Most of us will continue to live with believing Mormons who remain important people in our lives. How can you live well with Mormons while keeping true to yourself? Your success at doing that will more than anything else define your quality of life. This means learning to cope with others fear and judgment.

Become aware of how others press your hot buttons of anger, shame, guilt, self-doubt, so that they can no longer disturb your inner peace. You cannot control reactions of believers, but if you are confident in yourself and your insights, steadily exercising compassion, patience, and tolerance, you can find serenity. Your attitude will be contagious, perhaps making others feel more comfortable with honest discussion. Reassure your spouse that you are committed to living a principled life, whatever your religious beliefs or doubts. 7 You may not be able to satisfy a rigid partner, or preserve your troubled marriage, but through this trial by fire your new self will be born.

As you move toward living the truth you see, you separate your identity from the last painful cultural adhesions of your old life. You will sometimes long for a lost Eden. It will pass. Seek support from sympathetic men and women who affirm you. Look for causes you believe in and do something to help, however small. It will give you a sense of personal power. Steadily pursue the life you think is best. Once mature in your transition, those I have met say you will neverwant to go back to your old way of life. Despite the challenges, it is wonderful to awaken, to feel life unfolding as you follow the truth you see.

End Notes

1. The basic norms of RTG for the those attending are:


~Respect for the privacy and feelings of others

~Speak honestly and vulnerably from your experience

~Mutual support of each other on our different paths

~Seek perspective, including views that may not agree with yours

~Seek constructive actions

And for the group as a whole:

~We do not try to convert (or deconvert) others

RTG exists to help people through difficulties as they leave a religion they once loved, face judgement from others and self, and search for their own authentic and satisfying way of life. It exists to empower each individual to find and follow what they believe, and to respect and get along with others who may have different beliefs.

We firmly believe that each individual has the right to formulate his or her own views, religious or irreligious. Being affirmed by others who have gone through similar experiences may help you not only to accept yourself, but to treat your believing loved ones with more patience and compassion.

2. If you are a Mormon firm in the faith please understand that people of sincerity, intelligence, and character who conscientiously look at the evidence may conclude that it simply does not support belief. These people are wives, husbands, children, siblings, parents, grandparents and extended family. Integrity demands that we live the truth that we see. Changing beliefs stress both those coming out and the believers who remain. We both are still entitled to love and respect. We could lessen tensions if we could really listen each other, not to change each other, but to really understand how we each feel.

3. Pensees, by Blaise Pascal (translator A.J. Krailsheimer, Penguin Books, copyright 1966, published 1984), page 208, section 505.

4. Ian Barbour outlines five ways that religious communities have looked at each other. This is also a good description of different ways anyone can look at religion.

~Absolutism: My religion is true, all others are false. Religious authority resides in my tradition, which has authoritative prophets, scriptures, etc.

~Approximations of Truth: Other religions hold elements of truth that come to fullness only in my tradition.

~Identity of Essence: Different religions are basically the same, expressed in different cultural forms.

~Cultural Relativism: Each religion is an expression of human culture with its own unique symbols, rites, language, and doctrines. Truth is not at issue, only views, rites, and customs.

~Pluralistic Dialogue: Your faith is a carrier of the sacred, but other religions are also carriers of the sacred. Different religions are indeed expressions of different cultures, but they each attempt to describe a common spiritual reality. None of them does so perfectly. Each religious community has its own symbolic ways of articulating understandings of this ultimate reality that is in itself beyond description. Religions can learn from each other. This viewpoint accommodates changing beliefs.

See Ian G. Barbour, Religion and Science: Historical and Contemporary Issues (HarperCollins, 1997), pages 154–156

To this we can add one other position, skepticism. This can be held in as absolute fashion as the belief in one true religion, or more tentatively. It may be combined with relativism or some of the other approaches mentioned. In the traditional sense, coming from ancient Greece, a skeptic was one who wanted to learn as much as possible about an issue at hand by not drawing any conclusions. More commonly today we see people who are willing to rule out in advance evidence they do not consider credible.

How skeptical we are may depend on what evidence, what experiences, we are willing to consider credible. Traditionally, religions have been carriers of value for their cultures, but secularism has perhaps done most to bring tolerance for a variety of religious views. Whether we are religious or secular, we need some way to see dignity in diverse points of view. Indeed, the continued survival of humankind through this perilous time in world history may depend on it.

I personally lean toward pluralism, through the lens of a Universalist Christianity. Here is a quotation from the philosopher John Hick that describes his formulation of religious pluralism:

[R]eligious pluralism…[is] the name that has been given to the idea that the great world religions are different human responses to the same ultimate transcendent reality. That reality is in itself beyond the scope of our human conceptual systems. But nevertheless it is universally present as the very ground of our being….

This means that the different world religions–each with its own sacred scriptures, spiritual practices, forms of religious experience, belief systems, founder or great exemplars, communal memories, cultural expression in ways of life, laws and customs, art forms and so on–taken together as complex historical totalities, constitute different human responses to the ultimate transcendent reality to which they all, in their different ways, bear witness.” See The Fifth Dimension: An Exploration of the Spiritual Realm, by John Hick (One World Publications, 1999), 77.

According to Dr Roger Walsh, each of the world’s great religious traditions teaches common practices to help experience the sacred. Through these practices, “[w]ithin ourselves we find our deepest self, our true Self,” the most important thing we can gain from life. He lists sayings from the different traditions that point in this direction:

~The kingdom of heaven is within you. (Jesus, Christianity)

~Those who know themselves know their Lord. (Mohammed, Islam)

~He is in all, and all is in Him. (Judaism)

~Those who know completely their own nature, know heaven. (Mencius, Confucianism)

~In the depths of the soul, one sees the Divine, the One. (The Chinese Book of Changes)

~Atman [individual consciousness] and Brahman [universal consciousness] are one. (Hinduism)

~Look within, you are the Buddha. (Buddhism)

Dr Walsh concludes that these religions “contain a common core of practices for training the mind. These practices cultivate the same profound states of mind, and qualities such as wisdom and love, that the religious founders had originally discovered. Yes, religions contain an enormous amount of popular nonsense, but they also contain a core of wisdom and practices of remarkable transformative power.”

Dr Walsh goes on to describe these practices, with exercises anyone can do. See Essential Spirituality: The 7 Central Practices to Awaken Heart and Mind, by Roger Walsh, M.D., Ph.D. (1999, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.) 5,6,11 & 12.

5. See Viktor Frankl’s compelling book, Man’s Search for Meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy, (Touchstone Edition, 1984, Simon and Schuster), as well as his The Doctor and the Soul: From Psychotherapy to Logotherapy (Alfred A. Knopf, Vintage Books Edition, 1986).

As a Nazi death camp survivor, Dr. Frankl tells us that everything can be taken from a human being but one thing: the attitude we choose to adopt toward life. If a survivor of the Holocaust like Frankl could live with hope even in the death camps, and after the war reject the concept of collective guilt, then keeping hope through the process of leaving Mormonism does not look so hard anymore. Dr Frankl, a psychologist, founded logotherapy, sometimes called the third school of Viennese psychoanalysis. Logotherapy involves working with the patient to find meaning in her life. Dr. Frankl noted that a camp inmate who had something to look forward to was much more likely to survive. A vision of the future is crucial to all human beings. If she was to survive, a camp inmate had to think of a loved one who wanted her to return, or some task that life was calling her to do. Dr. Frankl commented that it doesn’t make sense to ask a chess master, “What is the strongest move in chess?” because that depends on the context of the position. As different moves would be best in different chess positions, so each person has to look at her own personal disposition and individual circumstances to find meaning in her life.

Frankl says we all may find meaning in the categories of creative or experiential values. Creative values are those of work and accomplishment. Experiential values include experiences of beautiful music, art, or loving and being loved. When your health declines so that you cannot work, create, or even enjoy beauty, one thing more remains: you can suffer with dignity. Your experiences of beauty, your creative work, your past relationships, can never be taken from you. They are safeguarded in the existence of the past for all time. You can suffer with dignity to the last minute of your life. Frankl leaves room for God, as well, noting that the religious person is aware not only of the task, but of the task-master, but each person must find meaning. We can survive through the most awful circumstances if we find meaning in them.

How would this apply to those who separate from Mormonism? Well to begin with ask: What attitude will I assume toward life? What task calls me? What beauty do I want to experience or create? How will I react to unavoidable suffering? When life demands something of her, each person answers with her own disposition and talents. Certainly, if we have children, we want to empower them to bring forth their latent talents, and to create works of worth and beauty in their lives.

I have also found insight and help in my life in ideas about personality type originating with the great psychoanalyst C.G. Jung. As developed and refined by David Keirsey (who notes he differs significantly from Jung) in his book, Please Understand Me, there are different types of personalities, each with its own native talents and insights. Some find meaning primarily in people, some in duty to society, some in theoretical knowledge, and some in spontaneous physical expression and experience.

Jung teaches that we each have the opportunity to realize the unique self that our nature makes it possible for us to be. Living a life that is truly your own involves moving past conventional boundaries and expectations, exercising and developing your own singular talents, and then over time expanding into other areas that are normally not congenial for you. In this way you widen your consciousness, make yourself more complete and well-rounded, and fulfill the gifts of your greater self.

See Keirsey’s Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types (Prometheus Books, 1978) and

A Primer of Jungian Psychology, by Calvin S. Hall and Vernon J. Nordby, (New American Library, 1973).

6. I highly recommend Dr Fred Luskin’s Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness (HarperCollins 2003). Luskin has conducted the first extensive psychological study of forgiveness. He has given workshops for parents of murdered children, including parents from Northern Ireland, with good results in increasing their happiness and sense of peace. For Luskin, forgiveness involves letting go of the misery brought by past hurts in order to feel peace now. We let go so that someone who hurt us in the past no longer has the power to make us unhappy today. Forgiveness is taking the power of your life into your own hands. It is not pretending that no wrong was done to you. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the offender.

According to Luskin, when we become bitter and unforgiving, three things happen: First, we have a distressing experience that we take too personally. Next we blame the offender for making us unhappy. Finally, we develop a grievance story we keep repeating, perhaps for decades. This makes us a victim. To break free of this cycle, first you look at the wider context (what he calls the “impersonal” part) of your trauma. You understand, for example, that many people have suffered hurts similar to yours. You can use this knowledge as a way to find support from others in similar circumstances, and in turn enjoy the opportunity to give them your compassionate support.

Then you have to know how you feel about what happened, how the action wronged you, and share that with a few trusted people who will support you, but not encourage you to be a victim. Go through the details and acknowledge your pain. It is proverbial that “a burden shared is a burden lessened.” By sharing we stop being isolated, gain perspective, and allow other people to care for us. We realize we are responsible for how we feel now.

Finally, we change our grievance story to a survivor story that makes us the hero. We acknowledge that in the past we wanted something better to happen, but it did not. We cannot control what has happened, but we will nevertheless create value in our lives now.

As part of his program, Luskin recommends that we spend time thinking about the things and the people we are grateful for. He has exercises to do this in meditation. He also recommends forgiveness as an approach to life: e.g., letting go of the hurt when someone cuts you off in traffic. Why make yourself miserable by demanding people follow your “unenforceable rules?” The great virtue of this book is that it is practical and specific. Forgiveness is something you can work on without feeling you are excusing the person, or in our context, the institution that has done you wrong. You cannot control the actions of others.

Letting go is a key skill develop in our pursuit of happiness.

I do not believe, however, that he has spoken the last word on forgiveness. I think that the natural and complete function of forgiveness is to bring reconciliation between offenders and offended. Recognizing and acting appropriately on our own need to be forgiven by others helps us to better accept ourselves. We accept the imperfection of life. Actor Peter Ustinov beautifully pointed out the forgiveness inherent in love when he said that “Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look that becomes a habit.” Love could not exist without this habit of forgiveness.

By effectively teaching people to let go of hurt so they can stop their own suffering, Dr Luskin has done a great service. He offers us the opportunity to leave our misery and live truly satisfying lives. When we let go of hurts as he teaches, then future reconciliation with an offender becomes possible.

7. As suggested in my discussion of transition, I think that neither belief nor obedience represents the highest religious values. As I see it, religion can serve an important instrumental role toward making us less self-centered and more loving. One need not go to church or follow a particular religious practice to be ethical, loving, or spiritual. My own view is that a mature spirituality unites us with others in love, expanding our sympathies beyond self, tribe or nation, ultimately to embrace all of humanity, and even all of life. Such is also the highest ethical ideal, as expounded, for example, in Albert Schweitzer’s philosophy of reverence for life, which calls on us to act with conscious care for all living things. Religions provide a “way,” and a technique to put us in touch with the transcendent. This may enrich life, but the test, once again, is the love that it brings to life in this world.

Whatever practices expand love, nurturing individual gifts to bless the world and the giver, should be encouraged in family and friends, believers and nonbelievers. A person who takes this view creates bridges of understanding that uplift us over differences of religious dogma. We all thrive on appreciation, not carping criticism, compassion for our imperfection, not impossible demands. Love should be the center, not rule-keeping; life transformation, not dogma.

The preaching of the great Hebrew prophets of justice, the teachings of Jesus and of sages in many cultures, the illuminations of mystics from all major religious traditions, the “peak experiences” analyzed by Dr Abraham Maslow, and the visions of wholeness in the near-death experience, all support this orientation toward love and away from mere obedience or perfectionism. For a beautiful exposition of the compassionate oneness seen in both near-death experiences and modern day mystical experiences, read The Journey Home: What Near-Death Experiences and Mysticism Teach Us About the Gift of Life, by Phillip L. Berman (Pocket Books, division of Simon and Schuster, 1996).

We can even find support for the importance of compassion and the golden rule from Charles Darwin, who said:

“As our species has advanced in civilization, and small tribes have united into larger communities, reason would first tell each of us that we ought to extend our social instincts and sympathies to all the members of the same nation, though personally unknown to us. This point being once reached, however, there is only an artificial barrier to prevent our sympathies from extending to the people of all nations and races.”

Psychologist, systems scientist, and evolution theorist David Loye says that Darwin thought the human moral sense, not natural selection, played the most important role in human evolution. According to Loye, Darwin thought it was no accident that the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” evolved in various cultures all around the world. The human moral sense developed from social and sexual instincts combined with high intelligence, and the golden rule is the highest evolved expression of human morality.

Darwin said “[G]rant reason to any animal with social and sexual instincts and yet with passion he must have conscience.” Loye points out that increasing development in the human brain brought not only more reasoning capacity, but more emotional range and the ability to remember past right or wrong behavior and compare it to current circumstances. Darwin notes that our humanity is developed “from our sympathies becoming more tender and more widely diffused until they are extended to all sentient beings.”

See David Loye, Darwin’s Lost Theory of Love: A Healing Vision for the New Century (, 2000), pages 90 to 95, 154, 187. See especially chapters 5 to 7.

Please contact Bill Dobbs at [email protected] for more information about RTG. (Relgious Transition Group Support meetings)


Bringing Light to Spiritual Abuse – Ways to Recognize It & How To Recover



Synopsis: Spiritual Abuse is not something we talk about much….If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, self worth issues or other mental pain, you may be dealing with the effects of spiritual abuse. I will talk about the ways to recognize it and what we can do about it. Processes and tips for recovery will be shared as well. Come and hear my story and why it is important to openly discuss this real problem. Free to the public.

Sign up for more information on the Recovery from Religious Traums and Spiritual Abuse Empowerment Program by entering your name and email address below. When you sign up you will receive a free audio visual guide from a presentation I gave in August 2014 entitled “Bringing Light to Spiritual Abuse: 5 Ways to Recognize It & How To Recover.” This and more tips, tools, and resources from Victoria & Live Your Brilliance will also be sent to you to aide in your recovery.

Victoria Dortzbach is an ordained minister and spiritual companioner. A spiritual companioner is someone who BE’s** with you and facilitates you to ask questions that will empower you in your recovery. No answers are provided. You may also visit

**To Be Present with you: Someone who provides space for you to choose. Somebody who Is in total allowance of you and exercises no judgment.


Beyond Fight or Flight: Into A Glorious Future – My Story

Teal Swan’s recent blog post, The End Of War, was her personal story of victory from her captors.  This inspired me to jot down my own story and shifts occurring in my world. Her blog post is a must read if you have ever been held captive or held someone or something else captive. I celebrate Teal Swan as she is claiming her sovereignty, first with her parents, and now with the culture of the land she was raised in.
With her receptive and perceptive capacities, she illustrates brilliantly the energetics that have been predominant in this area known as Utah. As she and I and others undergo our own potent transformations beyond living in an either/or universe, I hear and sense whispers of change ~ I am seeing new life and new possibilities. This comes in the many forms. One form I am noticing is the new and various beautiful people moving to Utah that, by virtue of their very presence here, are functioning to shift the old constructs. They have not played the game of duality to the degree and extent that we who were raised here have, and have no desire to. They are not at the effect of the culture here. Rather, they are being a different possibility! There are other things too, but that gives you an idea.

I am going to be defenseless here. I know that my very act of doing this may bring up a lot of defenses and points of view for my family and that matter, people in general. In fact, some of the family reading this, I have never told or had this conversation with. See, in the mormon culture, individual voices are not encouraged.  Rather, group think is.  The throat chakra, collectively, is quite shut down.  But now I have tools to deal with it and not be at the effect of that.  This is a rather raw, uncut version, and yet, it is time to voice this.

I happened to be raised Mormon. I ate, breathed, and drank that worldview for about 21 years. I was chaste so that I could qualify to be worthy to be married and sealed for ‘time and all eternity’ in the mormon temple. I married my husband in the mormon temple just after turning 20 years old in 1995.  We are in current relationship still. I began taking institute of religion classes at college. I discovered I really didn’t wish to be in a relationship, eternal or otherwise, where I had to share my husband sexually, as mormons can and often do, in what is known as polygamy; polygamy that is both done historically, and spiritually, to this day. After having my first child at age 21, I had postpartum depression. I started on an anti depressant. I started getting anxious when attending church. By age 25 I was only attending church part time. In 2004, By age 28, I stopped attending church altogether. I took off the uncomfortable and unattractive mormon undergarments, that have been blessed with protective powers in the temple.

It was in 2004 that my aunt loaned me a book called Earth Angels, by Doreen Virtue.  In it was a decree of renunciation to release binding contracts.  I immediately wished to take her suggestion to do this.  She said it would be more powerful with a full moon.  I marked free time on the calendar during the next full moon.  I drove out to a rural open field with Doreen Virtue’s book, Earth Angels. At this point,  I didn’t know why I was doing this decree, only that I had to.  It felt right.  I did not fully know the power, until after I yelled for 2-3 minutes at the top of my lungs in front of the full moon, which, happened to be on the night of a full moon lunar eclipse. Afterwards, my awareness told me, “You’ve just released your oaths, vows and contracts to the mormon church.”  I was pleased and spiritually free.  I had revoked and denounced all binding contracts to the mormon religion, in a beautiful, spontaneous and unplanned, yet compelling ceremony,

In 2008 I moved and tried to attend church again, because I had felt isolated, like I was an outsider. However, I was so agitated by the self-righteousness that was present that I reacted.  I walked out of the room.  During the next Testimony meeting, a meeting that mormons go to to reaffirm to each other how important and truthful the gospel is, and how special and righteous they are, I walked up to the pulpit in the mormon church’s monthly member “testimony meeting.” I was more nervous than I’ve ever been in my life. I said, in a nutshell, “I know there is more to life then just within these 4 walls, and I am going to go find it!” You can hear my Public Postimony Of Dissent here.

I went through the arduous process of officially resigning that religion, to get my name off the rolls of the church. I had to make a statement that I would not let something that had kept me in the lower vibrations of doubt, shame, and intense guilt control, dominate and manipulate me any longer. The church believes that even the act of masturbating is a sin. That was detrimental to my well being, and in fact was mental torture for me, as a teenager.  That affected me, up until very recently.  In the act of official resignation, I no longer wished for the church to limit me, and define me. Yet, I remained at the effect of the mormon church.
This is because I still had a period of resisting and reacting to the church. I was hostile and bitter and had to tell people all the ways in which mormonism was wrong. In 2010 I was tired of the fight. It was hard for me to even get out of bed. I was depressed. I dived into my work at a Registered Nurse. I started marathon training and ran a marathon. Work depleted me and I would come home exhausted after 14 hour night shifts. I was stressed, depressed, and obsessed. I was counting calories and judging my body incredibly harshly. I was locked into so much judgment. Although I was terrified, I chose to quit my job. I demanded that, if there was a God, A Source, A Universe, that it show me a different way.

The Universe delivered. Since then, I have been voraciously learning and seeking. I have played with many modalities and philosophies, including Alchemy, Akashic Record Work, Tarot, etc. The system and set of techniques, processes, and tools that I keep returning to the most, that continues to light me up and excite the core of me and speak to everything I know and be, is Access Consciousness®. Access is also providing me with a source of income to facilitate others, for which I express my sincere appreciation to the founder, Gary Douglas.

After 7 more years of work, sweat, exploring new paradigms, and searching, whilst existing in polarity of culture and counter culture, and asking for a different possibility, it is beginning to appear. I noticed the shift in me during and after a 3 day Access Body Class in Denver with Dr. Glenna Rice.  I was on my way back to my home in Utah from advanced coursework with Access Consciousness® in Denver last week. I was acutely aware of and noticing the contrast of culture and counter culture, as Teal so adeptly and brilliantly describe in her blog post.  As someone on a potent wavelength of transformation on a similar note, I am delighted to receive the news of Teal’s own powerful transformation. The polarization present on this planet which has functioned to divide us and separate us for eons, no longer is the only choice available to all but a handful of people. I will touch on that. But first, a word about polarization.

Polarization occurs with every point of view we have ever taken and then became fixed with. This point of view simultaneously lends itself to a resistance, or pull back, that having that point of view created. Thus, the concept and resultant creation of culture and counter culture. With the religious fervor and judgment present here in Utah, that polarization appears strong in Utah.  It is like 50 shades of insanity.  The vibration of judgment shows up in different stories around the globe.  It is judgment that seems to be the biggest destroyer of possibility of all.  Judgment has (and still is, we are by no means at an end) been a threat to all things beautiful and magical and life giving.

I signed up for a booth at the LDS holistic living conference after the organizer invited me when we met at The New Consciousness Expo in April 2015.  When she looked at me and invited me she had amazing energy.  I asked, “Do you have to be LDS?”  To which she replied, “Absolutely not,” from a place of power and kindness.  I chose to be at and have a booth where I gave Access Consciousness® The Bars® sessions and sell VibesUP products.  This booth at the LDS holistic living conference was two days after my return to Utah from Denver, on July 24, 2015.  In the past I wouldn’t have been able to chose this without going into copious amounts of separation and judgment about the Mormon church.  Because I released resistance and dropped my barriers, I was able to meet and work with many wonderful people and sell great products.

I have now become highly aware of, with my conscious mind, that there is now enough consciousness present, that a choice does indeed exist that enables those who choose to, to live beyond all of the polarization that has been created; to indeed have and create it! This does not mean Kumbaya fields of bliss everywhere, though. Why? Because, some people are fine and dandy functioning as and with judgment as the main quality of their existence. However, these types of people are no longer capable of holding the upper hand and destroying the possibilities of a glorious new world.  Consciousness, which includes everything and judges nothing, is able to transmit signals and show us and lead us to a reality beyond either/or, right and wrong, good and bad, us/them constructs.  Consciousness will have her way with us.  She has tunneled her way into our deepest desires for a world of oneness where consciousness, kindness, caring, and the generative energies that create and sustain life here on this planet never again will be snuffed out. The grand seductress of consciousness is whispering in our collective ear of a land of liberation that lies beyond the constructs of the old reality.  She is enchanting us to create a reality that has never existed before, hand in hand, together with spirit and matter embodied.  What can we create together, as and with the oneness we Be?  What can we create together as The Kingdom Of We?  Teal Swan, thank you for the space you have and continue to open up on the planet.  And to the readers, I am thrilled to be on the journey with all of you.
What are the infinite possibilities?  What can we be and do different today that would change things on this planet right away?  What can You contribute to consciousness?
In Joy,
Victoria Christine

PS Here is Teal’s blog: The End Of War

If this inspired you in anyway, let me know!


Knowing what You know – how to look within for the answers

Look within for the answers

From a young age, we are taught to look outside of ourselves for the answers.  We study for years at school and universities.  Many of us were taught to go to church and went to church weekly.  We learned to make these things outside ourselves the source, or, the answers.  The answers to our lives, all the areas of our lives, could be found from these institutions of learning, our cultural ways, and our religions.  However, making anything the source outside yourself doesn’t work.

Do you remember seeing the Wizard Of Oz, as a kid?  Kid’s perspective are magical and fresh…and open.  Can you remember that part with singing, where Dorothy is being shown The Wonderful Land of Oz?  That made me feel so happy…just giddy.

Who wouldn’t want to settle in, and live there forever, after that? I mean, the people are so nice, and the culture so happy.

But, they functioned from a supreme reliance on The Wizard; The Great & Powerful Oz  “The Wizard will know,” they say.  This kind of thinking, on a supreme diety outside themselves to guide them, event, to save them. “The Wizard Will Save Us!”  they say, without missing a blink of an eye.

Yes, it is easy to rely on sources outside to tell us how to be, react, and act.  I’d like to make a proposal.  What if the magic is inside you?  What if who you be is a gift?  What if the world is hungry for what you have to share?  I know something about us that is valuable.  In fact, it is crucial for the possibilities of a kinder, more gentler planet.

If an area of your life isn’t working for you, you are giving your power away.  You are not letting yourself hear and follow what you know.

What areas of your life aren’t working for you?

Take a look.  The first step towards change is the awareness of it.  If you really want something in your life, do you do what it takes in order to have it?

“Yeah, but this doesn’t apply to me, it doesn’t work for me” I hear you say.  When I was growing up, I was deprived of so much.

Look within for the answers

Looking within for the answers takes practice.  You may have been raised in a religion that had all the answers for you.  You may have been taught to actively discount your own knowing.  If knowing that you know and knowing what you know was discouraged, you will need to practice knowing that you already have the answers inside.

Perhaps acknowledging the impotence and unkindness of the parental units, people or organizations that taught you to distrust what you know could be a first step to reclaim your knowing.  Then begin giving kindness to yourself.  Body work, Access classes, and other healing modalities may work for you. Begin a hobby you enjoy.  Express yourself.  Make yourself and what you like important.  Make it come first in your life.  Be willing for the change to be uncomfortable.

One area that I am being kinder to myself is with money.  I have bought things I’ve never allowed myself to have before, such as a silver necklace.  I’ve overtipped people on purpose.  I know that these actions lessen the stranglehold I’ve allowed myself to function from in my life.  I acknowledged the penuriousness of those around me when I was growing up, and I choose not to function from the place anymore.

What areas of your life would you like to be the source of?  Know that you know.  The answers are within.

Just like Dorothy recalled, with a most gentle reminder, that she had the power all along, you can reclaim that power.

What do you know?  Here is a question to ask yourself every time you make a choice:  If I make this choice, what will your life be like in 5 years? If you don’t choose this, what will your life be like in 5 years?

Below is a book you can read for more about this topic:  You are Magic.  Be It.